MAZES, DISCOVERY AND EYELASHES

I know the above title would make no sense whatsoever to anybody. But it means a complete day to me. One whole memorable day...which made me think a lot and worry about a few.

Its 7 a.m. i get up feeling all scared and sweaty. I sit idle and think about my nightmare. What made me ruminate so much was that i experienced this dream for the 4th time in 2 months.This might sound silly, but repeated dreams are supposed to be a warning. Foretelling your future even though you don't want to see it.

The dream was about me getting stuck in a creepy maze, in a ruined home, all alone, searching for the destination to get out. And in all those 4 times, in my dream, i'll never even get a clue about my destination. So, I switch on the computer and type, 'interpret dream maze' on google. I get an answer that, the dream means i am in a confusion, there is a feeling of lost, and i have not self-discovered myself.

Well, a sense of confusion is certainly prevalent, because i feel i am going through quarter life crises, if i may put it that way. I just don't know what to do in life. I have a lot of paths and detours but no destination. Secondly, feeling of lost, well i definitely feel lonely sometimes and certain times i feel that i am being misled. But the last part, self discovery, i really could not understand that. All these days, i thought i knew myself. I kept thinking for a couple of hours and this is what i realised. I really don't know me. I just feel i know Sindhu. But there's a lot more in her. I feel my friends know her better than me. They understand her much better than what i can.

The thing is, my life is not going the way i had planned. Its taking me nowhere. Too much of stress, wrong decisions and like my friends say, I am a victim of negativity and its being very tough for me to come out of it. Last 10months has been really unpredictable. Its just that the situation was out of my hand. Well, some things are better left unsaid. Let me not dig into any details. People who know me will get the clue though.

All i can say is, in the end, i certainly took the right decision and proved myself what i am. I used to look down upon myself and I had lost complete trust on my capability. Like they say, all is well that end's well. Clearly, an end to that ordeal was on a happy note.

So there you go, i have told u about MAZES and DISCOVERY. Last part, EYELASHES one is quite a sensitive issue. I don't know whether it is right to specify it here. But it was something that has got imprinted in my mind, so i just want to pour it here. This incident happened around 4pm on that day. Picture this : I am at my friend's hostel drying my hair and there was a girl sitting and staring at me. I didn't find the girl familiar but her stares got me annoyed. I just turn away and wonder why she has to stare at me when i am just standing and drying my hair. In sometime, my friend comes and nudges me to observe that girl closely. I suddenly realise that the girl had no eyelash and hair, and she was apparently wearing a wig. I get a pang of guilt. I was numb for a moment.

That girl i got to know later has some incurable disease and people who have this disease never get even a follicle of hair on their whole body; and she always sees girls who have long hair with a feeling of disappointment and vexation. I was disgusted with myself for getting annoyed. And on that day I was thankful to god the most. Sometimes I feel I really have more than enough with me. And i sincerely pray to god, to keep everybody having this disease very happy in their lives. Hoping for the best cure to them.

Day comes to an end. Every minute kept me thinking. Even in the night, i couldn't catch a few winks, I just kept on thinking. I must have self discovered atleast to a certain extent on that day....

Yin Yang

I have always been fascinated by the yin yang symbol. There is something in it that attracts me, and makes me pause the work i am doing, and notice it. Numerous thoughts occur in my mind and i can go on gazing it for hours together. I am still not able to figure out what makes me feel that its the most mysterious symbol ever.

I googled yin yang and got various meanings and definitions. The basic meaning is this: Yin is the black and yang is the white. Yin and yang are complementary to each other. Often they represent the two primal cosmic forces in the universe. Yin (moon) is the receptive, passive, cold female force. Yang (sun) is masculine- force, movement, heat. It represents the idealized harmony of these forces i.e., equilibrium in the universe.

My take on this symbol is different. Although i am referring to a different concept, i dont intend to disagree with the original definition and I am in no way want to comment negatively or change the real meaning. Below are only my views. The first thought i get when i look at it, is that, the yin, the black one, makes me think about those wicked people, but if you observe closely, u can see a white circle on the yin, which according to me means, every wicked person has a white side as well. There will be definitely certain things which will move his heart. And similarly, the yang, the white one, will have a dark side as well, which is represented by the small black circle.

Basically, if I may summarize, nothing and nobody is perfect. I am sure we all know this phrase, we all are aware that we are also sinners sometimes, but still we sit and judge about the other person's way of leading life. There is always a certain point in our lives which makes us say to ourselves that the other person is wrong and if i were in his/her place i would have handled better. "Everybody knows how the other person should lead their lives but knows nothing about their own."

The main mistake we do is that, instead of thinking more about ourselves, we tend to think a lot about others. We need to first balance our lives, stop giving judgements, and move on to improvise ourselves. How much ever we think we are the perfect ones or the better ones, there is always a dark side. Will the entire dark side turn completely into white I dont know but I hope it does one day.

Every person lives in grey shades, its up to us, whether we want to paint black to our grey to finally make it darker or whether we want to paint white to our grey and turn it into whiter.

For further ideas : http://everything2.com/title/Yin%2520Yang

I = Indecisive, Impulsive, Idiot

Sometimes in life you make a decision only for the sake of the other person's happiness, you give up all your dreams, your hopes,your aspirations, and COMPROMISE with LIFE only because you think that life deserves your compromise. Its like you walk into a path, thinking its the right one, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, you realize that it was the wrong one.

After you have shown your impulsiveness, one fine day you sit and wonder whether life was worthy of your compromise, but you do know that its too late now, don't you? U have been smothered by the people in and around you. You are scared to death, you are close to getting beheaded but still, you walk and pull your life to reach for a nearby destination so that you can rest for a while and spend some time with yourself. You feel lonely even with the presence of special ones in your life. Is it that you are expecting more out of your life, or is it the question of compatibility.

You showed your indecisive nature, you waited for life to get adjusted to you, but ultimately when everything was out of your hands, you realized the fact that you in turn have to get adjusted to life.Ironically you don't even have time to repent for any decision of yours! How could you allow the situation to overtake you and dominate on you? Sit and draw the locus of your existence and i am sure it will be a null point.

At this moment, its time to show your idiotic nature, because there is no other go, except, to accept the way things are going on and be the dear old great person who sacrifices her dreams for the sake of those who don't even know how to love you. You wont even get the voice to yell at yourself nor a helping hand for the way you have handled life. Brace yourself for the coming days. And if you thought that the person i was addressing to, was myself, you have hit the bull's eye....

Raving thoughts

The road has come to an end,
Look around you, you see your stagnant footsteps,
Have you really paved a way for yourself?

Detours everywhere, had you made the right choice?
You were frenetic to choose the easiest path,
Illusioned you were, when you walked into it..

You foresaw the inevitable,
and hid yourself in your carapace,
Did the mirage deceive your eyes?

You freed yourself from the massacre,
stained you are, from your extinct life,
and still confounded in those horrid gallows....