Life is like standing on an existential anxiety plank

I think I have spent the last two years spending a lot of time reading and seeing many 'spiritual' lectures which has produced a series of thought processes, that now I am beginning to wonder I might be a victim of existential anxiety! Existential anxiety is dreading and worrying about life questions, such as "What is the meaning of my life?", "Who am I?", "Do I have a soul?", etc. It has been a year since I came to the United States in search of fulfillment of my spiritual goals - peace of mind away from dysfunction, making a difference in this world, mindful awareness and non-attachment to certain worldly emotions.

Adi Shankaracharya said, "The jiva continues in Samsara (cycle of birth and death) only as long as it retains attachment due to ignorance or Maya". Now talk about the other meaning of samsara (family/marital life) -  Lately, I have started realizing that spiritual goals take a backseat when you get bound into a family. Transcending jealousy, possessiveness, fear of losing the one you love, all seem like a far-off dream...You are actually more likely to hold on to youth and the thoughts of "I wish I look pretty for my husband even when I am 50". The need for approval and fulfilment of emotional cravings shoot up! 

Maybe, the feelings of having a purposeful, meaningful life is all an illusion filled deep-seeded thought process. Maybe, there is nothing deeper to life. Or maybe, descending into the Himalayas is the only way out! 

Sometimes I wonder, whether wanting to attain spiritual goals is a selfish act in itself. At the end of the day, arent we hoping to find the enlightenment that Buddha got or a shift in consciousness in order to lead a happier life? So doesnt that actually make us get attached to a goal and thereby collapse the arguement of leading a non-attached life?

A question that is haunting me from a few days as I embark on a new phase of my life soon - Is it really possible to find a balance between relationships and current and former spiritual goals? I use the word 'former' here, because I have already forsaken a lot of my previous objectives with the hope that someday I will revive them. 

Being an impermanent human, is it wrong to hold on to relationships knowing that inherently it is so unpredictable and transitory? Is it wrong to live in fear that love in a marriage might one day disappear or hope that my husband wont change? Is it wrong to expect your children to stay cute and loving forever? Is it wrong to want your mother to live forever?

Most importantly, is non-attachment even real? How do I not slip into existential anxiety and miss out on the happiness that marriage will bring in?

When your ‘purpose’ starts taking a form

Funny, how small things can bring a life time worth of happiness. I’m in one of those days, where some instances feel like they were written for me.

I feel a resonating harmony inside myself; as if an aura of peace has encircled me. At this point, I want to quote Wayne Dyer’s quote – “You are doomed to make choices. This is life's greatest paradox.” Well Mr.Dyer, I agree with your paradoxical statement but I don’t want to believe in the ‘disaster’ synonym of ‘doom’. But come to think of it, these stepping stones that I am building for myself might one day attempt a cartwheel to ultimately fall into a deep pit. It can definitely go on and prove to be a doom, in the future. I, after all, a mortal human cannot foresee the future. But the fact that I truly enjoyed putting every piece together to form a stone, will give me the utmost satisfaction.

My Professor called me into her office today and gave me Indian food and the related ingredients, right at the time when we were running out of things at home. How did this happen? I don’t know how things just happen to happen for the good. I silently retreated to a spot where no one could see me, and cried for a really long time. Why did I cry? I have no idea! I was way too overwhelmed to think of a reason why I was shedding tears.

The other day, I am sitting in a restaurant and wishing that I hear an instrumental version, of my most favourite song (I can’t stop thanking Mallika for introducing me to ‘the’ song), and voila! The instrumental version appears right before we leave. My heart started racing and I couldn’t stop shoving myself at the counter to beg for the hotel manager to give me the song. (I did eventually get the song from him – the laptop and pen drive happened to be there at the right time!) Why did my heart start racing? Again, I have no idea. I was too dazed to even think how the song I connect so deeply for no reason, could overpower me with emotions. It goes on to show, how music has a profound effect on all of us.

I attended a meditation workshop today, and when I was working on this abstract concept of ‘connecting with my inner advisors’ as directed by the counselor, I saw that my inner advisors were creatures that were totally unexpected. There was my dog; a beautiful shining sun with clear cut features, and this entirely outer space being that seemed extremely cute and reciprocated the best among the three. Where did we meet you ask? Oh! It was a beautiful place. I don’t know if it was the effect of the counselor’s way of making us connect with our inner self, but it was a surreal experience how I could switch into a fine-looking personal space which, felt like that was already built and was just waiting for me to step in; and the fact that suddenly the above three ‘beings’ appear; and finally how I drifted into the flow of the counselor’s power of speech. Meditation has always had good effects on me. I just made a mental note to practice it more often.

Situations like my Program Director emailing me amidst her busy schedule to ask when my Sitar performance is, makes me want to celebrate!

These instances that I am writing down here, feel very simple but it did touch me deeper. In some unfathomable abode...which I can only feel, but cannot reach via my own conscious level.

Maybe I am too grateful about my life. Or maybe, there are so many things worth extending gratitude for. I was talking to a senior person today about gratitude and its implications on life and he mentions me that it has proven to be the ‘master’ strength. But there have been instances when this strength has turned into a weakness for me. A trivia to share – I maintain a gratitude journal.

I can clearly see my purpose taking a shape. It is very far away, but I can see it clearly. I want to go as close as possible, as soon as possible, to fill in the finishing touches. The fact that I found it after years of searching is unnerving and comforting on the same.

 One question is lingering in my mind - is the HIDDEN dream going to unveil itself? I want to be the person, who says one day, that she is “living the dream”.

Self Esteem and its Tag Along

I believe we are our biggest betrayers. We let our minds do the bashing all the time. One little misstep, and the mind makes us brood and replay it over and over. Diffidence, Low Self Esteem and Self Doubt were my constant companions, who became closer over the past couple of years especially. Thank you, because if you three hadn’t masked my inner self, I wouldn’t have been able to experience these ‘new’ unveiled feelings.

I must admit, I love it. I love that ‘I’ can bash my mind now. I want to knock it down completely one day.

So, how did this unveiling happen? Off late, I have become obsessed with growth. But, what after all is the ultimatum of evolvement? I am still vague about that answer. Isn’t it ironic that people, who are not even a little close to you, contribute to your growth, whereas the ones that ought to do come of no help at all! Or is it that growth is entirely up to us, our perseverance and perception?

Now that I am experiencing those never-before-had feelings (at least I hadn’t experienced them in the recent past), the manifestations have turned out to be entirely different. I find myself expressing differently.

Assertiveness is the main plug-in that wants to fasten itself to the prototype that is slowly getting ready.

There have been so many people who have made a difference to my life. Some of them don’t even know that they are in the list too! Yes, I do have one long list. How opportune it is! Who can get so many Wild Cards in life?

This Wild Card takes up any colour it wants, and that is the one tagging along with my self esteem. It takes up different roles, and plays them beautifully.

Hello there!

The Purpose, The Disconnection and The Bask

There have been a million times, that I've questioned myself, on my existence in Planet Earth. The number has increased in the past 2 months (Courtesy - The two special people who are threading my life onto spirituality. I will address them as T and C). They say and believe that Everybody is Born here for a Particular Purpose. I have started believing in it too.

The main reason I took a break, and went ahead as a single traveler to Kolkata, was to get some answers. I did get some answers, but the Solution to my Purpose Question is still fuzzy. There are so many new things I want to do now, something I hadn't realised in the past year exactly at this time. I was all confused, influenced and mainly disoriented from my goal. I never took the initiative to take any decisions, but ironically the decision to NOT take any decision has paved a new path for me now. This new path is green, fresh and rosy. Yes, it has the thorn-filled stone obstacles that I have to pass on first.
Kolkata trip gave me a disconnection, and allowed me to ponder over things that I dont normally get to do here. I enjoyed every moment of those 7 days. The trip was something very personal, so I dont want to get into details on this public forum.

So, when does one's life get a meaning? I always thought a successful marriage with a very compatible partner would make a living worthwhile; but I cant believe myself as to how my views have flipped in just a couple of months. I was taught about Karma Yoga by C and T, and I was amazed how it never occurred to me all these years, even when I would go WoW over people who love and enjoy their work. I want to engage myself that will make a difference to MY life. For instance, teaching a math problem to a kid will make my day, but it might not seem that special to another person. This is a very crude and a small example, I want something big. Then again, 'big' in my perspective.

I am very glad I am enjoying the job I have right now. I am getting to re-live my college days, flexible timings are allowing me to explore my other side - Learning the Sitar, something I never did all these days. But, I am looking for something more. Something that can give a meaning to my life, to my existence. Something that will convey, ''Yes, this is what I was born to do". I want to attain Karma Yoga atleast to a little extent. Current status is probably 0.5%. A 50% would satisfy me for sure.

One more important thing I have realised is that, you need a guide in every step of your life. Especially when you are hellbent on determining the significance of your birth. It can be anybody, right now I feel I have the best guides in the world - T and C. Feels like it was destined to have met them. I have been given a wild card, an option that I never felt I had it in me.

If everything goes just the way I have planned now, I will need 2 years to get past the obstacle path, get a view of my Purpose clearly. Reaching the Purpose and staying in it, will take my entire life.

I will be 23 in exactly 5 days. I want to create a New Me, from Age 23. So many things that seemed important all these years, seem frivolous, for no reason whatsoever!

I want to Bask in the Glory of the Lucid Beautiful Life.

Bask in the Glory

No more walking on the deserted path,
No more the lost loner
I want to Bask in the Glory,
That is awaiting for me.

Adept at being the Creator,
Endow me the Grant,
That I know is hankering in me,
I want to Bask in the Glory.

I cease to disappear the illusion,
And hold on to the bona fide,
Carefully pacing a slow crusade,
Knowing, it is awaiting for me.

I have the bearing of a comer,
By no means, diminished or weary,
I so want to Bask in the Glory,
That is awaiting for me.

Do you doodle?

If there is something I do all the time while studying, listening to a lecture, or sitting idle, its doodle-ing. Its like scribbling something gives a break to my all-the-time-preoccupied mind. My mind is always working, making plans most of the time. I am sure there is nobody in this world who has made as many plans as me.

My favourite doodle has to be Hiranya Kashipu (my creation). It was in 9th std that I created him.

He incidentally has most of my dream boy's features.
Good looking eyes, Hairy, always a wide smile; but he looks more like a creature than a man. And the roots of his name go way back to my childhood, when I would listen to mythological stories from my maternal aunt. I always felt Hiranya Kashipu would be more suitable to a good soft-natured man, unlike the demoniac character in the Narasimha story.

There, thats him in the picture.

According to Reader's Digest, people who doodle on the left side of a page think more about their past, and people who doodle on the right think more about their future. People who doodle geometric shapes are mostly thinkers, and those of the flower-leaf types are found to be creative.

But me,

I doodle on the left,
I doodle on the right,
I doodle in the center,
I doodle everywhere.

Any white space on a paper, that will be my doodle space.

And I draw most of the things, stars, triangles, flowers, leaf patterns, faces... When I am happy, most of my doodles are smiling faces, when I am sad its the stars, when I am bored its the flowers, when I have nothing to do its the snow man and funny looking men. And then there is the letter 'S'. I reckon this is the most common doodle - the starting letter of the name, or a signature. And the most common areas would be the last pages of a notebook.

You wont see me study without doodles. Doodling soothes my mind. Be it on benches or books or my foot ( yes, I am weird enough to draw on my feet). Every studying session is doodle time for me. But doodling is also accompanied with a great deal of remorse sometimes, that I am wasting so much of paper on meaningless scribbles. But I feel guilty for all sorts of things. For instance, I feel my blog's background has to be Black, since a Black web page consumes less power than a white one. Being guilty for not being green. Nevertheless, I can never stop doodling.

A Remembrance : My Childhood

I always feel my childhood could have been better for reasons known only to me. But on the day of my Optical Fiber Exam I was remembering my childhood memories more than ever! I jotted down some incidents on the question paper, at 4.30 pm. I had finished writing the exam soon, thanks to the difficult questions.

I remember I had got a zero in my first ever test in 1st standard. Yes it was a big ZERO! Our class teacher was absent on that day and a PE teacher had come to give us the test. Ranga Sir was his name. Funny how I felt that since its a PE teacher I shouldn't write my test, and I gave back the test book with nothing written in it. Needless to say I got a Zero. My mother freaked out and complained my teachers. I was taught that whoever is the invigilator, I have to write down the test. I still laugh seeing my report card.

There, that was my 1st std report card, oh, it says 2nd test.And ironically it was in english!

I wonder why it looks like a minus zero.

Also, in the same year, I had eaten a guy's lunch who used to sit beside me, thinking it was my new lunch basket and new lunch box. How could I just assume that! I reckon that guy's name was Naveed. And because I stole his lunch (well mistakenly, of course) he started crying and his mother came and gave me a nice scolding the next day.

Moving on to 3rd standard, I was one big ardent fan of Cartoon Network. Scooby Doo, Popeye, Swat Cats, Powerpuff Girls, u name it, I would have seen it. Bugs Bunny was my most favourite in those days. And I, didn't have a bugs-bunny-type teeth (fortunately). And only to look like bugs bunny, I had made hard efforts to get its teeth. I would always keep my front jaw on my upper mouth, so that miraculously some day, I thought, it would start protruding like bugs bunny! I am so thankful that, that miracle did not happen.

I guess in 5th standard, it so happened that I was given the role of a princess to enact in front of the class. It was a lesson from our English textbook apparently, and my classmate Rajath was the prince, and another classmate Kavya was given some role if I remember properly. I couldn't express how happy I was! I was always considered as an ugly duckling among my family and friends, this small incident brought a big smile :)

I was an avid reader from my childhood. Reading is something I can never give up in my entire life. And so we friends thought of a small library among ourselves. We would exchange books and comics and return it the next week. The library was formed in the 'katte' that joins the road from my school to cftri office. This road is certainly memorable for we used to play almost all the games there. Be it tree-to-tree, juutaata, I spies, sharap-current (Correct me if the name is wrong).

Oh, and how can I forget my gooseberry fascination! I used to steal gooseberries from a house near my school with a friend named Parvathi. I had even got caught by our teacher Saraswathi Aunty (CFTRI school is known for making their students address the teachers as aunty and not as miss or ma'am). Saraswathi aunty known for her wickedness, glared at me and I'd frozen on the spot, when she had seen us stealing. I still remember her glare in those watery red eyes. Brrrr.

Come 7th standard, I got a computer at my place. Pentium 1 processor, 20gb hard disk and 16mb RAM with VSNL internet connection. Connecting to the server was one helluva job. I remember clearly that trrrrr-ti-ti sound when I would start connecting. I don't remember what bandwidth it had but it was painfully slow. I never had any idea technology would improve this much in the coming years. Having this technology made me like some proud owner of a big company! My friends would ask me to explain about my computer and they would wait for a chance to come home and play Prince of Persia. 7th standard after middle term, we got computer classes in our school and I was relieved of all the pestering :)

GOOD OLD DAYS :) But don't ask me why all these memories came rushing in the exam hall. I don't know the reason too.

In the end, I would like to thank my beloved CFTRI school for having given me such good memories, and a big thank you to all the teachers who guided me in one of the most crucial phases of my life.

My Happy Apple Theory

Before I start, I have to say this post has been inspired by good old Mallika (a.k.a Godo) :)

You know there is an old saying that one rotten apple can spoil a dozen good apples. I contradict it. My Apple theory is different. I believe, no matter how many rotten apples you have around you, you never become rotten if unless you are rotten by default! I don't know if default rotten apples exist in the first place. But I know some terrible default ones. Trust Sindhu on meeting rotten apples in her life..Nobody can beat her in rotten apple count, you bet..

Well, if not by default, how does a person actually become a rotten apple? When you are doing a potentially big mistake the heart always stops you, its just that we go against it. And that's when you start to rot. But you can always bounce back just the way i did. Even though there were tons of rotten apples around me, I never let them take over me. I was always on the ground. But yes I did get influenced and i ignored all the warnings that my heart was giving me, but mark my words, I have slipped many a times, but haven't fallen. I am still standing high and tall.

In the end all that matters is You, Your willpower, Your principles and Your decisions. I had read somewhere, that we grow up when we alone are responsible for our decisions. So no excuses, even if rotten apples come towards you, don't blame them for your decisions, just kick them away, clean up the mess and start including only happy apples in your life. If you feel "What was i thinking!" or "What the hell am i doing" or "This is not me", that's indicating you are beginning to rot and you need to rinse out all the toxins from your mind.



And the main part is, when you start getting negative vibes from somebody, hands down, that's a rotten apple! U need to be real wary about that person. I ignored all the vibes and now I have an endless list of betrayers and back stabbers. I followed my happy apple theory, and I must say I have only happy apples in my life :)

All you rotten apples before its too late refine yourselves, If not go to hell. All you Happy apples welcome to my life..

P.S : Happy Posts coming up..Adieu to goLu posts..

I am flying high,
Over the sky,
Cos my heart can never lie,
Good time has come by :)

Learnt a lot and few,
Left all those who were a grey hue,
My heart always stopped me,
But I went against and never did see :(

But now, I am devoid of the guilt,
Changing myself to the hilt,
Cos my heart can never lie,
Good time has come by :)

A Dream

Love and Marriage are perhaps the most important milestones in anybody's life. I don’t know whether I am the right person to describe about this. But here's my take.

Well I have never been in love but I have a lot of affinity towards writing about Love and Marriage. I think I am a quixotic sometimes, expecting things that are out of this world. Impractical romantic ideals! But this is me. I am a Dreamer.

Love is something that cannot be defined. It seems like a beautiful feeling. An overflow of emotions. Inexplorable feelings surround you. Life becomes bright and shiny. Life turns around, and all you have to do is welcome it with open arms.
The first step before you fall in love is to contemplate whether the person is compatible with you. When do we actually know whether he/she is the right person? Do stars start sparkling? Does an aura appear? Do we feel a different atmosphere? Or is it that your heart tells you that this person is the one for you? I reckon it is the last one. My heart has always been there for me. I have always been warned by it when I am doing a potentially big mistake; for sure, I know the best thing to do is to follow our hearts.

We all need a partner at some point in our lives. But that person has to stick around, even though I am having a bad hair day or I am stinking like a pig; even if I am overreacting about him talking to a girl, or irritated because of my hormones. I want to be needed by him just the way I need him. I should get those positive vibes from him.

The main ingredient for the right relationship is to first look out for one right person, mutually fall in love, get committed and look out for that never dying spark. Crushes and infatuation don’t have this spark forever. But love has it. If you have found that spark for months together, trust me, its love.

You feel like you are the most beautiful girl when he praises you. You await his presence; you never get bored of him even though you have nothing to talk. You feel that the he is the best among everybody, the most good looking;
Your heart skips a beat when he comes near you. You feel like everything around should dissolve at that particular moment. I feel a relationship works out with little things like a surprise hug from behind, gifts for no occasion whatsoever, comforting words when you are all stressed out, holding your hand and assuring you his secured presence, acknowledging his love for you, reciprocating back in a better way, making you laugh till your stomach hurts etc.

The thing about marriage is it is something that has to happen on its own. If you have some dream or a goal in your mind, you work towards it and make sure that you succeed in it. But marriage is something that has to happen on its own. After we are married there has to be equal efforts from both the sides to make it a success. Same goes for the relationship as well. I feel girls are more insecured about their future when compared to guys. A guy always say 'I will take care of her' but a girl always says 'Will he take care of me'.

I feel initial troubles spell future success. God wants me to get the best and so he wants me to wait..Patiently...I am happy to wait. I am neither lonely nor desperate. I just feel the need, but I am ready to wait. This might seem like I am some starry eyed stupid dumbo, but like I said before, this is me. To hell with all those dreams which never got fulfilled all these years.

Call me a fake, hypocrite, anything you want... I don’t want to listen to you because my closed ones know what I am; and this sentence, I just keep stressing it in every blog. This is only to satisfy myself that I should not be bothered about what other losers are talking about me. Three cheers to all those who have found love and to all those who respect girls and never force them or influence them to accept your love. In the end, it’s all destiny, if he’s written in your fate no matter what happens you get him.

If I lay low,
Would you wake up and watch over me..
If I am crying,
Will you make me lean on your shoulders..
If I am old and weak,
Would you carry me all around..
If I promise you my love,
Will you love me the same forever..

MAZES, DISCOVERY AND EYELASHES

I know the above title would make no sense whatsoever to anybody. But it means a complete day to me. One whole memorable day...which made me think a lot and worry about a few.

Its 7 a.m. i get up feeling all scared and sweaty. I sit idle and think about my nightmare. What made me ruminate so much was that i experienced this dream for the 4th time in 2 months.This might sound silly, but repeated dreams are supposed to be a warning. Foretelling your future even though you don't want to see it.

The dream was about me getting stuck in a creepy maze, in a ruined home, all alone, searching for the destination to get out. And in all those 4 times, in my dream, i'll never even get a clue about my destination. So, I switch on the computer and type, 'interpret dream maze' on google. I get an answer that, the dream means i am in a confusion, there is a feeling of lost, and i have not self-discovered myself.

Well, a sense of confusion is certainly prevalent, because i feel i am going through quarter life crises, if i may put it that way. I just don't know what to do in life. I have a lot of paths and detours but no destination. Secondly, feeling of lost, well i definitely feel lonely sometimes and certain times i feel that i am being misled. But the last part, self discovery, i really could not understand that. All these days, i thought i knew myself. I kept thinking for a couple of hours and this is what i realised. I really don't know me. I just feel i know Sindhu. But there's a lot more in her. I feel my friends know her better than me. They understand her much better than what i can.

The thing is, my life is not going the way i had planned. Its taking me nowhere. Too much of stress, wrong decisions and like my friends say, I am a victim of negativity and its being very tough for me to come out of it. Last 10months has been really unpredictable. Its just that the situation was out of my hand. Well, some things are better left unsaid. Let me not dig into any details. People who know me will get the clue though.

All i can say is, in the end, i certainly took the right decision and proved myself what i am. I used to look down upon myself and I had lost complete trust on my capability. Like they say, all is well that end's well. Clearly, an end to that ordeal was on a happy note.

So there you go, i have told u about MAZES and DISCOVERY. Last part, EYELASHES one is quite a sensitive issue. I don't know whether it is right to specify it here. But it was something that has got imprinted in my mind, so i just want to pour it here. This incident happened around 4pm on that day. Picture this : I am at my friend's hostel drying my hair and there was a girl sitting and staring at me. I didn't find the girl familiar but her stares got me annoyed. I just turn away and wonder why she has to stare at me when i am just standing and drying my hair. In sometime, my friend comes and nudges me to observe that girl closely. I suddenly realise that the girl had no eyelash and hair, and she was apparently wearing a wig. I get a pang of guilt. I was numb for a moment.

That girl i got to know later has some incurable disease and people who have this disease never get even a follicle of hair on their whole body; and she always sees girls who have long hair with a feeling of disappointment and vexation. I was disgusted with myself for getting annoyed. And on that day I was thankful to god the most. Sometimes I feel I really have more than enough with me. And i sincerely pray to god, to keep everybody having this disease very happy in their lives. Hoping for the best cure to them.

Day comes to an end. Every minute kept me thinking. Even in the night, i couldn't catch a few winks, I just kept on thinking. I must have self discovered atleast to a certain extent on that day....

Yin Yang

I have always been fascinated by the yin yang symbol. There is something in it that attracts me, and makes me pause the work i am doing, and notice it. Numerous thoughts occur in my mind and i can go on gazing it for hours together. I am still not able to figure out what makes me feel that its the most mysterious symbol ever.

I googled yin yang and got various meanings and definitions. The basic meaning is this: Yin is the black and yang is the white. Yin and yang are complementary to each other. Often they represent the two primal cosmic forces in the universe. Yin (moon) is the receptive, passive, cold female force. Yang (sun) is masculine- force, movement, heat. It represents the idealized harmony of these forces i.e., equilibrium in the universe.

My take on this symbol is different. Although i am referring to a different concept, i dont intend to disagree with the original definition and I am in no way want to comment negatively or change the real meaning. Below are only my views. The first thought i get when i look at it, is that, the yin, the black one, makes me think about those wicked people, but if you observe closely, u can see a white circle on the yin, which according to me means, every wicked person has a white side as well. There will be definitely certain things which will move his heart. And similarly, the yang, the white one, will have a dark side as well, which is represented by the small black circle.

Basically, if I may summarize, nothing and nobody is perfect. I am sure we all know this phrase, we all are aware that we are also sinners sometimes, but still we sit and judge about the other person's way of leading life. There is always a certain point in our lives which makes us say to ourselves that the other person is wrong and if i were in his/her place i would have handled better. "Everybody knows how the other person should lead their lives but knows nothing about their own."

The main mistake we do is that, instead of thinking more about ourselves, we tend to think a lot about others. We need to first balance our lives, stop giving judgements, and move on to improvise ourselves. How much ever we think we are the perfect ones or the better ones, there is always a dark side. Will the entire dark side turn completely into white I dont know but I hope it does one day.

Every person lives in grey shades, its up to us, whether we want to paint black to our grey to finally make it darker or whether we want to paint white to our grey and turn it into whiter.

For further ideas : http://everything2.com/title/Yin%2520Yang

I = Indecisive, Impulsive, Idiot

Sometimes in life you make a decision only for the sake of the other person's happiness, you give up all your dreams, your hopes,your aspirations, and COMPROMISE with LIFE only because you think that life deserves your compromise. Its like you walk into a path, thinking its the right one, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, you realize that it was the wrong one.

After you have shown your impulsiveness, one fine day you sit and wonder whether life was worthy of your compromise, but you do know that its too late now, don't you? U have been smothered by the people in and around you. You are scared to death, you are close to getting beheaded but still, you walk and pull your life to reach for a nearby destination so that you can rest for a while and spend some time with yourself. You feel lonely even with the presence of special ones in your life. Is it that you are expecting more out of your life, or is it the question of compatibility.

You showed your indecisive nature, you waited for life to get adjusted to you, but ultimately when everything was out of your hands, you realized the fact that you in turn have to get adjusted to life.Ironically you don't even have time to repent for any decision of yours! How could you allow the situation to overtake you and dominate on you? Sit and draw the locus of your existence and i am sure it will be a null point.

At this moment, its time to show your idiotic nature, because there is no other go, except, to accept the way things are going on and be the dear old great person who sacrifices her dreams for the sake of those who don't even know how to love you. You wont even get the voice to yell at yourself nor a helping hand for the way you have handled life. Brace yourself for the coming days. And if you thought that the person i was addressing to, was myself, you have hit the bull's eye....

Raving thoughts

The road has come to an end,
Look around you, you see your stagnant footsteps,
Have you really paved a way for yourself?

Detours everywhere, had you made the right choice?
You were frenetic to choose the easiest path,
Illusioned you were, when you walked into it..

You foresaw the inevitable,
and hid yourself in your carapace,
Did the mirage deceive your eyes?

You freed yourself from the massacre,
stained you are, from your extinct life,
and still confounded in those horrid gallows....

Life is a Baseball game; Just gotta play it

My friends usually question me as to why i refer 'life' as 'baseball' game!! Well, this post is my answer for that question. For instance, i go to DD Road for shopping, on a busy Sunday evening. I park my vehicle and wait for my friends. I am sitting on my vehicle and listening to a beautiful song on my n73 headset. I'm in front of the Reebok showroom beside which there is a footpath book stall. The book seller looks longingly at my phone. I see the craving in his eyes for a good living. I avoid his eyes and start playing Sudoku on my phone. STRIKE ONE . I get turned off for a moment. I start feeling why life is so unfair. By this time, my friends arrive and i happily start my shopping spree.

After shopping for an hour, we get tired and start drinking a can of coke. We roam around doing window shopping. A handicapped beggar comes in front of us. He is helplessly begging, merely to earn a living. Although i don't encourage begging, i feel handicapped people lack the strength to work by themselves and hence get into begging. STRIKE TWO. Again life has proved, how biased it is.

I finish my shopping and we excitedly discuss about our clothes and what other good stuff we missed because of less budget. We all decide to go to a restaurant for dinner and as i am nearing my vehicle i shoot a glance at the bookseller. He is busy selling his books and the handicapped beggar is doing his job. They all seem to have got adjusted to their daily routine. I decide to forget about them and get onto my vehicle. We all are merrily chatting as we ride and stop at a signal. Hundreds of people start walking on the zebra crossing. Some are walking hastily, some slowly; some are busy in selling before the signal runs out, but the one common thing i see in ALMOST everyone of them, is the dream in their eyes, to strive hard for wealth. I believe that money isn't everything but can i deny the fact that one cannot lead life with insufficient money? STRIKE THREE. I am so distrait in my thoughts that i don't even see the green signal. After a few of them honk horns at me, i come back to this world, forget everything again and move on.

Looking at all these instances, in just a few hours i realize I've so much with me to thank god for. I learnt that i shouldn't sink if life throws a fastball at me. Instead of getting strikeout, i should whack the ball hard and make it a home run (speaking in Baseball terms!!). I agree we are all incapable to help these people but at least we can make our lives worthwhile by recognizing the happiness around us and making the very best use of god's gifts.......

My Stagnant Footsteps

8 years ago, life seemed completely perfect to me. I had a smile imprinted on my face. Everything i dreamt of, came alive. All my expectations were coming true. I was popular. I was intelligent, a dreamer, a singer, a painter and a flawless daughter. I always thought i was lucky. I seemed to have a blast in my own way. But all of a sudden, everything came to a standstill and till today the blemished life has never been better.

Dreams were shattered. Eyes always brimmed with tears, ears always listened to words which were not meant to be heard and my mind was always thinking as to what happened out of the blue. Everything around me were unforeseen. I became a worthless girl. I fell pretty low in my studies and talents. Life became very hard to live. I started losing people around me, and the sense of 'Was I a sinner' started to erupt. I wanted leave this world for all the things it did to me.

I felt i didn't deserve any of this. But i again built up courage. Fresh new dreams occupied my heart and i wanted to give a life to them. I went on the wrong path, took wrong steps and shattered my dreams with my own hands. The sinner inside me had won again.

I stopped anticipating for impractical dreams. I started to accept the reality and tried to become pragmatic. I became more and more spiritual and i finally found the 'reason' why I'd to go through all this, spiritually. I started believing in the phrase 'whatever happens, happens for a reason'.

Life seemed bright and afresh. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to start all over again. I desired to pull on each day with a sense of being alive. I seemed to have taken a rebirth. I am a changed person now. 20 years of experience have taught me a lot.. more than what I'd intended to learn.

All the past footsteps I took in my life are stagnant now and i don't even want to go near them. I want to rejuvenate myself and smile more often. I want to come out of all the unethical sights which i see everyday and make my life beautiful in my own way. I've started dreaming again. I want to recognize god's beautiful gifts given to me and in fact i've already recognized a few, although i feel there is a lot in store for me.

I am HaPpY

My Numero Uno Post :)

Incidentally, this is the third blog that I'm starting. The first two definitely deserve to go into the trash as they are good for nothing. But this time, i am looking forward to write a lot of my views and news about various of my favorite subjects and topics.

This blog will be all about my thinking and thoughts. I plan to be pretty open in writing about the situations i undergo in my day to day life. Hence the name 'A peek-a-boo into my thoughts'. I might sometimes be very enigmatic and mystical or very generous in revealing secretive information. Nevertheless, i hope to make sindhublog.blogspot.com interesting and amusing.

Lastly, Let me introduce myself. I am Sindhu residing in Mysore, Karnataka, India. I am studying Engineering under the branch Electronics and Communication. I am an amiable, free-spirited girl; impulsive and combative at times. I can be very emotional or a total nitwit every once in a while, however, i recover quite soon from life's setbacks. I'm promising myself for the nth time, that I'm going to update my blog as often as possible. In fact, i am so enthusiastic about updating my blog, that I've decided to write a 2nd post today itself. Yup, i can go a little overboard sometimes :) Cheerio!!!!