When your ‘purpose’ starts taking a form

Funny, how small things can bring a life time worth of happiness. I’m in one of those days, where some instances feel like they were written for me.

I feel a resonating harmony inside myself; as if an aura of peace has encircled me. At this point, I want to quote Wayne Dyer’s quote – “You are doomed to make choices. This is life's greatest paradox.” Well Mr.Dyer, I agree with your paradoxical statement but I don’t want to believe in the ‘disaster’ synonym of ‘doom’. But come to think of it, these stepping stones that I am building for myself might one day attempt a cartwheel to ultimately fall into a deep pit. It can definitely go on and prove to be a doom, in the future. I, after all, a mortal human cannot foresee the future. But the fact that I truly enjoyed putting every piece together to form a stone, will give me the utmost satisfaction.

My Professor called me into her office today and gave me Indian food and the related ingredients, right at the time when we were running out of things at home. How did this happen? I don’t know how things just happen to happen for the good. I silently retreated to a spot where no one could see me, and cried for a really long time. Why did I cry? I have no idea! I was way too overwhelmed to think of a reason why I was shedding tears.

The other day, I am sitting in a restaurant and wishing that I hear an instrumental version, of my most favourite song (I can’t stop thanking Mallika for introducing me to ‘the’ song), and voila! The instrumental version appears right before we leave. My heart started racing and I couldn’t stop shoving myself at the counter to beg for the hotel manager to give me the song. (I did eventually get the song from him – the laptop and pen drive happened to be there at the right time!) Why did my heart start racing? Again, I have no idea. I was too dazed to even think how the song I connect so deeply for no reason, could overpower me with emotions. It goes on to show, how music has a profound effect on all of us.

I attended a meditation workshop today, and when I was working on this abstract concept of ‘connecting with my inner advisors’ as directed by the counselor, I saw that my inner advisors were creatures that were totally unexpected. There was my dog; a beautiful shining sun with clear cut features, and this entirely outer space being that seemed extremely cute and reciprocated the best among the three. Where did we meet you ask? Oh! It was a beautiful place. I don’t know if it was the effect of the counselor’s way of making us connect with our inner self, but it was a surreal experience how I could switch into a fine-looking personal space which, felt like that was already built and was just waiting for me to step in; and the fact that suddenly the above three ‘beings’ appear; and finally how I drifted into the flow of the counselor’s power of speech. Meditation has always had good effects on me. I just made a mental note to practice it more often.

Situations like my Program Director emailing me amidst her busy schedule to ask when my Sitar performance is, makes me want to celebrate!

These instances that I am writing down here, feel very simple but it did touch me deeper. In some unfathomable abode...which I can only feel, but cannot reach via my own conscious level.

Maybe I am too grateful about my life. Or maybe, there are so many things worth extending gratitude for. I was talking to a senior person today about gratitude and its implications on life and he mentions me that it has proven to be the ‘master’ strength. But there have been instances when this strength has turned into a weakness for me. A trivia to share – I maintain a gratitude journal.

I can clearly see my purpose taking a shape. It is very far away, but I can see it clearly. I want to go as close as possible, as soon as possible, to fill in the finishing touches. The fact that I found it after years of searching is unnerving and comforting on the same.

 One question is lingering in my mind - is the HIDDEN dream going to unveil itself? I want to be the person, who says one day, that she is “living the dream”.

Self Esteem and its Tag Along

I believe we are our biggest betrayers. We let our minds do the bashing all the time. One little misstep, and the mind makes us brood and replay it over and over. Diffidence, Low Self Esteem and Self Doubt were my constant companions, who became closer over the past couple of years especially. Thank you, because if you three hadn’t masked my inner self, I wouldn’t have been able to experience these ‘new’ unveiled feelings.

I must admit, I love it. I love that ‘I’ can bash my mind now. I want to knock it down completely one day.

So, how did this unveiling happen? Off late, I have become obsessed with growth. But, what after all is the ultimatum of evolvement? I am still vague about that answer. Isn’t it ironic that people, who are not even a little close to you, contribute to your growth, whereas the ones that ought to do come of no help at all! Or is it that growth is entirely up to us, our perseverance and perception?

Now that I am experiencing those never-before-had feelings (at least I hadn’t experienced them in the recent past), the manifestations have turned out to be entirely different. I find myself expressing differently.

Assertiveness is the main plug-in that wants to fasten itself to the prototype that is slowly getting ready.

There have been so many people who have made a difference to my life. Some of them don’t even know that they are in the list too! Yes, I do have one long list. How opportune it is! Who can get so many Wild Cards in life?

This Wild Card takes up any colour it wants, and that is the one tagging along with my self esteem. It takes up different roles, and plays them beautifully.

Hello there!