Do you doodle?

If there is something I do all the time while studying, listening to a lecture, or sitting idle, its doodle-ing. Its like scribbling something gives a break to my all-the-time-preoccupied mind. My mind is always working, making plans most of the time. I am sure there is nobody in this world who has made as many plans as me.

My favourite doodle has to be Hiranya Kashipu (my creation). It was in 9th std that I created him.

He incidentally has most of my dream boy's features.
Good looking eyes, Hairy, always a wide smile; but he looks more like a creature than a man. And the roots of his name go way back to my childhood, when I would listen to mythological stories from my maternal aunt. I always felt Hiranya Kashipu would be more suitable to a good soft-natured man, unlike the demoniac character in the Narasimha story.

There, thats him in the picture.

According to Reader's Digest, people who doodle on the left side of a page think more about their past, and people who doodle on the right think more about their future. People who doodle geometric shapes are mostly thinkers, and those of the flower-leaf types are found to be creative.

But me,

I doodle on the left,
I doodle on the right,
I doodle in the center,
I doodle everywhere.

Any white space on a paper, that will be my doodle space.

And I draw most of the things, stars, triangles, flowers, leaf patterns, faces... When I am happy, most of my doodles are smiling faces, when I am sad its the stars, when I am bored its the flowers, when I have nothing to do its the snow man and funny looking men. And then there is the letter 'S'. I reckon this is the most common doodle - the starting letter of the name, or a signature. And the most common areas would be the last pages of a notebook.

You wont see me study without doodles. Doodling soothes my mind. Be it on benches or books or my foot ( yes, I am weird enough to draw on my feet). Every studying session is doodle time for me. But doodling is also accompanied with a great deal of remorse sometimes, that I am wasting so much of paper on meaningless scribbles. But I feel guilty for all sorts of things. For instance, I feel my blog's background has to be Black, since a Black web page consumes less power than a white one. Being guilty for not being green. Nevertheless, I can never stop doodling.

A Remembrance : My Childhood

I always feel my childhood could have been better for reasons known only to me. But on the day of my Optical Fiber Exam I was remembering my childhood memories more than ever! I jotted down some incidents on the question paper, at 4.30 pm. I had finished writing the exam soon, thanks to the difficult questions.

I remember I had got a zero in my first ever test in 1st standard. Yes it was a big ZERO! Our class teacher was absent on that day and a PE teacher had come to give us the test. Ranga Sir was his name. Funny how I felt that since its a PE teacher I shouldn't write my test, and I gave back the test book with nothing written in it. Needless to say I got a Zero. My mother freaked out and complained my teachers. I was taught that whoever is the invigilator, I have to write down the test. I still laugh seeing my report card.

There, that was my 1st std report card, oh, it says 2nd test.And ironically it was in english!

I wonder why it looks like a minus zero.

Also, in the same year, I had eaten a guy's lunch who used to sit beside me, thinking it was my new lunch basket and new lunch box. How could I just assume that! I reckon that guy's name was Naveed. And because I stole his lunch (well mistakenly, of course) he started crying and his mother came and gave me a nice scolding the next day.

Moving on to 3rd standard, I was one big ardent fan of Cartoon Network. Scooby Doo, Popeye, Swat Cats, Powerpuff Girls, u name it, I would have seen it. Bugs Bunny was my most favourite in those days. And I, didn't have a bugs-bunny-type teeth (fortunately). And only to look like bugs bunny, I had made hard efforts to get its teeth. I would always keep my front jaw on my upper mouth, so that miraculously some day, I thought, it would start protruding like bugs bunny! I am so thankful that, that miracle did not happen.

I guess in 5th standard, it so happened that I was given the role of a princess to enact in front of the class. It was a lesson from our English textbook apparently, and my classmate Rajath was the prince, and another classmate Kavya was given some role if I remember properly. I couldn't express how happy I was! I was always considered as an ugly duckling among my family and friends, this small incident brought a big smile :)

I was an avid reader from my childhood. Reading is something I can never give up in my entire life. And so we friends thought of a small library among ourselves. We would exchange books and comics and return it the next week. The library was formed in the 'katte' that joins the road from my school to cftri office. This road is certainly memorable for we used to play almost all the games there. Be it tree-to-tree, juutaata, I spies, sharap-current (Correct me if the name is wrong).

Oh, and how can I forget my gooseberry fascination! I used to steal gooseberries from a house near my school with a friend named Parvathi. I had even got caught by our teacher Saraswathi Aunty (CFTRI school is known for making their students address the teachers as aunty and not as miss or ma'am). Saraswathi aunty known for her wickedness, glared at me and I'd frozen on the spot, when she had seen us stealing. I still remember her glare in those watery red eyes. Brrrr.

Come 7th standard, I got a computer at my place. Pentium 1 processor, 20gb hard disk and 16mb RAM with VSNL internet connection. Connecting to the server was one helluva job. I remember clearly that trrrrr-ti-ti sound when I would start connecting. I don't remember what bandwidth it had but it was painfully slow. I never had any idea technology would improve this much in the coming years. Having this technology made me like some proud owner of a big company! My friends would ask me to explain about my computer and they would wait for a chance to come home and play Prince of Persia. 7th standard after middle term, we got computer classes in our school and I was relieved of all the pestering :)

GOOD OLD DAYS :) But don't ask me why all these memories came rushing in the exam hall. I don't know the reason too.

In the end, I would like to thank my beloved CFTRI school for having given me such good memories, and a big thank you to all the teachers who guided me in one of the most crucial phases of my life.

My Happy Apple Theory

Before I start, I have to say this post has been inspired by good old Mallika (a.k.a Godo) :)

You know there is an old saying that one rotten apple can spoil a dozen good apples. I contradict it. My Apple theory is different. I believe, no matter how many rotten apples you have around you, you never become rotten if unless you are rotten by default! I don't know if default rotten apples exist in the first place. But I know some terrible default ones. Trust Sindhu on meeting rotten apples in her life..Nobody can beat her in rotten apple count, you bet..

Well, if not by default, how does a person actually become a rotten apple? When you are doing a potentially big mistake the heart always stops you, its just that we go against it. And that's when you start to rot. But you can always bounce back just the way i did. Even though there were tons of rotten apples around me, I never let them take over me. I was always on the ground. But yes I did get influenced and i ignored all the warnings that my heart was giving me, but mark my words, I have slipped many a times, but haven't fallen. I am still standing high and tall.

In the end all that matters is You, Your willpower, Your principles and Your decisions. I had read somewhere, that we grow up when we alone are responsible for our decisions. So no excuses, even if rotten apples come towards you, don't blame them for your decisions, just kick them away, clean up the mess and start including only happy apples in your life. If you feel "What was i thinking!" or "What the hell am i doing" or "This is not me", that's indicating you are beginning to rot and you need to rinse out all the toxins from your mind.



And the main part is, when you start getting negative vibes from somebody, hands down, that's a rotten apple! U need to be real wary about that person. I ignored all the vibes and now I have an endless list of betrayers and back stabbers. I followed my happy apple theory, and I must say I have only happy apples in my life :)

All you rotten apples before its too late refine yourselves, If not go to hell. All you Happy apples welcome to my life..

P.S : Happy Posts coming up..Adieu to goLu posts..

I am flying high,
Over the sky,
Cos my heart can never lie,
Good time has come by :)

Learnt a lot and few,
Left all those who were a grey hue,
My heart always stopped me,
But I went against and never did see :(

But now, I am devoid of the guilt,
Changing myself to the hilt,
Cos my heart can never lie,
Good time has come by :)

A Dream

Love and Marriage are perhaps the most important milestones in anybody's life. I don’t know whether I am the right person to describe about this. But here's my take.

Well I have never been in love but I have a lot of affinity towards writing about Love and Marriage. I think I am a quixotic sometimes, expecting things that are out of this world. Impractical romantic ideals! But this is me. I am a Dreamer.

Love is something that cannot be defined. It seems like a beautiful feeling. An overflow of emotions. Inexplorable feelings surround you. Life becomes bright and shiny. Life turns around, and all you have to do is welcome it with open arms.
The first step before you fall in love is to contemplate whether the person is compatible with you. When do we actually know whether he/she is the right person? Do stars start sparkling? Does an aura appear? Do we feel a different atmosphere? Or is it that your heart tells you that this person is the one for you? I reckon it is the last one. My heart has always been there for me. I have always been warned by it when I am doing a potentially big mistake; for sure, I know the best thing to do is to follow our hearts.

We all need a partner at some point in our lives. But that person has to stick around, even though I am having a bad hair day or I am stinking like a pig; even if I am overreacting about him talking to a girl, or irritated because of my hormones. I want to be needed by him just the way I need him. I should get those positive vibes from him.

The main ingredient for the right relationship is to first look out for one right person, mutually fall in love, get committed and look out for that never dying spark. Crushes and infatuation don’t have this spark forever. But love has it. If you have found that spark for months together, trust me, its love.

You feel like you are the most beautiful girl when he praises you. You await his presence; you never get bored of him even though you have nothing to talk. You feel that the he is the best among everybody, the most good looking;
Your heart skips a beat when he comes near you. You feel like everything around should dissolve at that particular moment. I feel a relationship works out with little things like a surprise hug from behind, gifts for no occasion whatsoever, comforting words when you are all stressed out, holding your hand and assuring you his secured presence, acknowledging his love for you, reciprocating back in a better way, making you laugh till your stomach hurts etc.

The thing about marriage is it is something that has to happen on its own. If you have some dream or a goal in your mind, you work towards it and make sure that you succeed in it. But marriage is something that has to happen on its own. After we are married there has to be equal efforts from both the sides to make it a success. Same goes for the relationship as well. I feel girls are more insecured about their future when compared to guys. A guy always say 'I will take care of her' but a girl always says 'Will he take care of me'.

I feel initial troubles spell future success. God wants me to get the best and so he wants me to wait..Patiently...I am happy to wait. I am neither lonely nor desperate. I just feel the need, but I am ready to wait. This might seem like I am some starry eyed stupid dumbo, but like I said before, this is me. To hell with all those dreams which never got fulfilled all these years.

Call me a fake, hypocrite, anything you want... I don’t want to listen to you because my closed ones know what I am; and this sentence, I just keep stressing it in every blog. This is only to satisfy myself that I should not be bothered about what other losers are talking about me. Three cheers to all those who have found love and to all those who respect girls and never force them or influence them to accept your love. In the end, it’s all destiny, if he’s written in your fate no matter what happens you get him.

If I lay low,
Would you wake up and watch over me..
If I am crying,
Will you make me lean on your shoulders..
If I am old and weak,
Would you carry me all around..
If I promise you my love,
Will you love me the same forever..

MAZES, DISCOVERY AND EYELASHES

I know the above title would make no sense whatsoever to anybody. But it means a complete day to me. One whole memorable day...which made me think a lot and worry about a few.

Its 7 a.m. i get up feeling all scared and sweaty. I sit idle and think about my nightmare. What made me ruminate so much was that i experienced this dream for the 4th time in 2 months.This might sound silly, but repeated dreams are supposed to be a warning. Foretelling your future even though you don't want to see it.

The dream was about me getting stuck in a creepy maze, in a ruined home, all alone, searching for the destination to get out. And in all those 4 times, in my dream, i'll never even get a clue about my destination. So, I switch on the computer and type, 'interpret dream maze' on google. I get an answer that, the dream means i am in a confusion, there is a feeling of lost, and i have not self-discovered myself.

Well, a sense of confusion is certainly prevalent, because i feel i am going through quarter life crises, if i may put it that way. I just don't know what to do in life. I have a lot of paths and detours but no destination. Secondly, feeling of lost, well i definitely feel lonely sometimes and certain times i feel that i am being misled. But the last part, self discovery, i really could not understand that. All these days, i thought i knew myself. I kept thinking for a couple of hours and this is what i realised. I really don't know me. I just feel i know Sindhu. But there's a lot more in her. I feel my friends know her better than me. They understand her much better than what i can.

The thing is, my life is not going the way i had planned. Its taking me nowhere. Too much of stress, wrong decisions and like my friends say, I am a victim of negativity and its being very tough for me to come out of it. Last 10months has been really unpredictable. Its just that the situation was out of my hand. Well, some things are better left unsaid. Let me not dig into any details. People who know me will get the clue though.

All i can say is, in the end, i certainly took the right decision and proved myself what i am. I used to look down upon myself and I had lost complete trust on my capability. Like they say, all is well that end's well. Clearly, an end to that ordeal was on a happy note.

So there you go, i have told u about MAZES and DISCOVERY. Last part, EYELASHES one is quite a sensitive issue. I don't know whether it is right to specify it here. But it was something that has got imprinted in my mind, so i just want to pour it here. This incident happened around 4pm on that day. Picture this : I am at my friend's hostel drying my hair and there was a girl sitting and staring at me. I didn't find the girl familiar but her stares got me annoyed. I just turn away and wonder why she has to stare at me when i am just standing and drying my hair. In sometime, my friend comes and nudges me to observe that girl closely. I suddenly realise that the girl had no eyelash and hair, and she was apparently wearing a wig. I get a pang of guilt. I was numb for a moment.

That girl i got to know later has some incurable disease and people who have this disease never get even a follicle of hair on their whole body; and she always sees girls who have long hair with a feeling of disappointment and vexation. I was disgusted with myself for getting annoyed. And on that day I was thankful to god the most. Sometimes I feel I really have more than enough with me. And i sincerely pray to god, to keep everybody having this disease very happy in their lives. Hoping for the best cure to them.

Day comes to an end. Every minute kept me thinking. Even in the night, i couldn't catch a few winks, I just kept on thinking. I must have self discovered atleast to a certain extent on that day....

Yin Yang

I have always been fascinated by the yin yang symbol. There is something in it that attracts me, and makes me pause the work i am doing, and notice it. Numerous thoughts occur in my mind and i can go on gazing it for hours together. I am still not able to figure out what makes me feel that its the most mysterious symbol ever.

I googled yin yang and got various meanings and definitions. The basic meaning is this: Yin is the black and yang is the white. Yin and yang are complementary to each other. Often they represent the two primal cosmic forces in the universe. Yin (moon) is the receptive, passive, cold female force. Yang (sun) is masculine- force, movement, heat. It represents the idealized harmony of these forces i.e., equilibrium in the universe.

My take on this symbol is different. Although i am referring to a different concept, i dont intend to disagree with the original definition and I am in no way want to comment negatively or change the real meaning. Below are only my views. The first thought i get when i look at it, is that, the yin, the black one, makes me think about those wicked people, but if you observe closely, u can see a white circle on the yin, which according to me means, every wicked person has a white side as well. There will be definitely certain things which will move his heart. And similarly, the yang, the white one, will have a dark side as well, which is represented by the small black circle.

Basically, if I may summarize, nothing and nobody is perfect. I am sure we all know this phrase, we all are aware that we are also sinners sometimes, but still we sit and judge about the other person's way of leading life. There is always a certain point in our lives which makes us say to ourselves that the other person is wrong and if i were in his/her place i would have handled better. "Everybody knows how the other person should lead their lives but knows nothing about their own."

The main mistake we do is that, instead of thinking more about ourselves, we tend to think a lot about others. We need to first balance our lives, stop giving judgements, and move on to improvise ourselves. How much ever we think we are the perfect ones or the better ones, there is always a dark side. Will the entire dark side turn completely into white I dont know but I hope it does one day.

Every person lives in grey shades, its up to us, whether we want to paint black to our grey to finally make it darker or whether we want to paint white to our grey and turn it into whiter.

For further ideas : http://everything2.com/title/Yin%2520Yang

I = Indecisive, Impulsive, Idiot

Sometimes in life you make a decision only for the sake of the other person's happiness, you give up all your dreams, your hopes,your aspirations, and COMPROMISE with LIFE only because you think that life deserves your compromise. Its like you walk into a path, thinking its the right one, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, you realize that it was the wrong one.

After you have shown your impulsiveness, one fine day you sit and wonder whether life was worthy of your compromise, but you do know that its too late now, don't you? U have been smothered by the people in and around you. You are scared to death, you are close to getting beheaded but still, you walk and pull your life to reach for a nearby destination so that you can rest for a while and spend some time with yourself. You feel lonely even with the presence of special ones in your life. Is it that you are expecting more out of your life, or is it the question of compatibility.

You showed your indecisive nature, you waited for life to get adjusted to you, but ultimately when everything was out of your hands, you realized the fact that you in turn have to get adjusted to life.Ironically you don't even have time to repent for any decision of yours! How could you allow the situation to overtake you and dominate on you? Sit and draw the locus of your existence and i am sure it will be a null point.

At this moment, its time to show your idiotic nature, because there is no other go, except, to accept the way things are going on and be the dear old great person who sacrifices her dreams for the sake of those who don't even know how to love you. You wont even get the voice to yell at yourself nor a helping hand for the way you have handled life. Brace yourself for the coming days. And if you thought that the person i was addressing to, was myself, you have hit the bull's eye....

Raving thoughts

The road has come to an end,
Look around you, you see your stagnant footsteps,
Have you really paved a way for yourself?

Detours everywhere, had you made the right choice?
You were frenetic to choose the easiest path,
Illusioned you were, when you walked into it..

You foresaw the inevitable,
and hid yourself in your carapace,
Did the mirage deceive your eyes?

You freed yourself from the massacre,
stained you are, from your extinct life,
and still confounded in those horrid gallows....